When Life Hands You Lemons, Kill The Heroin
by Darqstar
Summary: What happens when Vegeta has a really good and bad day? What happens when an author decideds to see if she can write really bad fanfiction? And did you know Mary Sue has a sister? Yes folks the HTML troubles in this story were corrected as of 927.


DBZ fanfiction -- When Life Hands You Lemons, Kill The Heroine.  **DISCLAIMER: Dragon Ball Z was created by Akira Toriyama. Most Characters in this story were made by Akira Toriyama. (c) Akira Toriyama, Bird Studio, Toei Animation except for Anne Sue, who no one in their right mind would want anyway.Other characters mentioned by Anne Sue are copyright to their respective owners, like Marvel comics and George Lucas films. Since they aren't really in the story, but merely mentioned I don't think it's a big deal. But Vegeta and Goku are not mine, although I must admit I wish they were.**

  


  


  
_**There are author's notes at the end of this story. Please, read them before you write me. Thanks!**_

  


  


  


When Life Hands You Lemons, Kill The Heroine. (Or, Vegeta's particularly unusually good/bad day) By [Darqstar][1] (Who barely wants to admit she wrote it)

  


  


  


  


  


It was easily, what you could call a Bad Day for Vegeta and it was only getting worse. 

It started this morning, when his so-called wife, Bulma, burned his breakfast. "What'samatter, woman? Can't you cook?" he'd snapped. 

To which, she had replied, in her oh-so-snotty way, "You just try to cook and watch an infant at the same time. If you don't want your breakfast burnt, you watch Trunks. " 

He had declined, of course. The Prince Of All Saiyins, and The World's Sexiest Hunk did _not _spend his time mollycoddling small, fussy, children. There were bigger fish to fry in this world and other places to find food. 

So, he had headed over to Kakarot's place, attempting to kill two birds with one stone. He had heard several times that Chi-Chi, Kakarot's wife, was a good cook. And this would be a good chance to beat the crap out of Kakarot, which was something he _always_ wanted to do. 

The breakfast part was easy. All he had to do was look pitiful and hungry and the next thing he knew it, Chi-Chi was making him the breakfast of his dreams. No woman could resist him. After all, he was The Prince Of All Saiyins and One Hell Of A Sexy Guy. 

The fighting was harder. Kakarot was supposed to do chores that day. But he worked his way around that by following the stupid Saiyin around his property, mocking him at every turn. 

"You call that chopping wood? My infant son could do better than that." 

Of course, Kakarot, being much slower and not _nearly_ as sexy wasn't as fast on the uptake and didn't understand at first that he was being insulted. 

"Gosh, Vegeta, I can't see Trunks being ready to cut firewood. Then again, kids grow up so fast, and it has been awhile since we've seen him! Must be really convenient for Bulma, having Trunks already doing chores!" 

Exactly the sort of response Vegeta would expect from the big doofus, but he was the Prince of All Saiyins and a total hunka burning love, so he kept at it. 

"You call that mowing the grass? I could chew it off faster and better." 

"You call that weeding the garden? Pffft, the Ginyu force could do it better than that." 

"You call those muscles? Why, I have more muscles in my little finger than you have in your whole body." 

"Your son Gohan is a freak." 

"Your wife is ugly." 

"Who cut your hair?" 

And finally... 

"I'm sexier than _you'll_ ever be. And there are a lot more lemon stories written about me than about you." 

It was the last comment that finally drove Kakarot to the breaking point. Powering up to Super Saiyin, he turned and charged Vegeta, who's back was turned to him, knocking him into a tree. 

_Thwamp!_ Vegeta hit the tree, the rough bark tearing into his shirt, causing it to rip, bruising his delicate, muscle-bound chest. He slid to the ground and turned around, looking at Kakarot, grinning wildly. A light trickle of blood began sliding down his chest, shinning brightly in the afternoon sun. Soon, Vegeta knew, a light coating of perspiration would don his chest and he'd be looking oh-so-fine. An evil, thin-lipped, yet nevertheless quite sexy, grin crossed his lips. 

"Don't you ever say that _again_!!!!" Kakarot screamed. "I-I'm just as hunkarific as you! And there are lots of Lemon fics about me!!!" 

"Hah!" Vegeta rose to his feet, slowly, noting that the tree bark had also managed to rip his pants as well, in some very nifty and strategic locations. _Oh,_ he thought, _indeed, I am the man. or the prince, I should say_. "Kakarot, you wouldn't know a lemon fic if it bit you in your Super Saiyin ass, which, by the way, is not _nearly_ as sexy as mine is." Then he powered himself up to Super Saiyin, not because he really needed to, but because he thought he was _much_ better looking as a blond, and charged at Kakarot. 

The battle had begun, and in the beginning, it was great. They kicked, punched, screamed, and did a lot of flashy things with light. The air crackled with those _fwipt fwipt _noises that indicated they were powering up. They used energy blasts, they did special moves, and it was absolutely classic. But, then, someone seemed to remember that Kakarot always had to win against him, (probably the consolation prize for not being nearly as sexy as he, Vegeta, The Prince of All Saiyins, and The World's Sexiest Being was.) So Kakarot suddenly charged up to SSJ level 5 and started wailing on him. 

"Don't you _ever _accuse me of not being a sex god again!" Kakarot screamed, as he slammed Vegeta into the ground, over and over and over and over and over again. 

"I'm only speaking the truth!" Vegeta hollered. "There are _entire archives_ devoted to me having sex with Bulma, and or every other desirable female in the world! Through others imaginations, I have gotten more prime tail than you ever _dreamed_ of having, and that's no pun intended! I am the Prince Of All Saiyins and any woman I want is mine, mine, MINE! All you'll ever have is your wife, who's name is a slang term for breasts! _Bwah hah hah!" _

"**_NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_**" Kakarot shouted, his voice echoing in total agony, for deep down, he knew the truth when it was spoken to him. "It can't _be_, I'm the star of the show! I'm the _good_ guy, I _deserve_ all the babes!" In his grief, he kept pounding on Vegeta harder and harder and harder and harder and harder and... (Well, you get the point, don't you?) "You _lie! _ That's not the truth!" 

"Yes it is, _you just can't handle the truth!_" Vegeta roared back. 

"No, no, **no!**" Kakarot's scream sounded like someone whose soul was being ripped apart, which it probably was. "It can't be, you're _short!"_

"Oh, but it's true, Goku." 

Vegeta looked up. He hadn't said that last remark; he never called Kakarot by that stupid human name. And Chi-Chi was in town, so who could it be? 

He and Kakarot both turned in the direction of the voice. 

Coming out of the woods, was the most beautiful woman either of them had seen. Her golden brown tresses swayed gently in the breeze. Her wide, brown eyes were clear and vivid pools of emotion and desire. Her body was that of a goddess come to earth, even though she was close to forty. And she made the most of her magnificent body by wearing a very short black leather skirt and a spandex halter-top. Her fishnet stockings molded to her legs, disappearing delicately into her thigh-high, eight-inch-heel, fuck-me boots. 

"Wow!" Kakarot/Goku said, running his fingers through his hair. "You sure are pretty!" 

Vegeta crossed his arms over his chest and said nothing. He didn't have to. After all, he was The Prince Of All Saiyins and The Worlds Most Desirable Example Of Masculinity. 

"Thanks, I know," the woman said, while giving a small toss of her head that made her hair shake and licking her ruby red lips, while small birds came to perch on her shoulder, so impressed they were with her absolute perfection. "It's the curse of my life, to be so beautiful and so perfect. I am Annie Sue, the woman of your dreams and the object of your desires. Every man wants me and every woman wants to be me." 

Never one at a loss for words, Goku nodded and said, "Wow, I'll bet!" 

Vegeta continued to say nothing. After all, he was The Prince Of All Saiyins, and The Sexiest Man In The Known Universe. Not to mention he knew the problems Annie Sue faced. After all, every _woman_ wanted him and every man wanted to _be_ him. It worked. 

"Not only that," Annie Sue continued, "but I am also _smarter_ than anyone. Why, I can hook up a VCR, cure cancer, tune up my own car, build an android that would make Data look like a child's toy, all before a fantastic lunch that I, myself would make. I'm an excellent cook, too, I might add." 

"Gee!" was Goku's response. 

Vegeta just stood there, arms still crossed over his chest. The sweat was still glistening off his wonderfully masculine bod, making him look as if someone had just oiled him up. 

"My mother is Princess Leiha, my father is Wolverine. Gambit is my older brother. My aunt is Wonder woman, my uncle is Hans Solo. Captain Kirk is my grandfather, Spock is my godfather. Captain Picard had some influence in my life, but I can't quite remember what it was. Ash Ketchum is my baby brother; my twin brother is Nathan Summers. Magneto taught me how to play piano and dance the tango," Annie Sue continued. And even though she was telling all these fantastic facts about her, she managed not to look the least bit smug or proud, just more beautiful, desirable, and intelligent with every second. "I was born in the future, yet I traveled from the past. It's all very confusing for anyone who doesn't have my brilliant mind to grasp." 

"So, what brings you here?" Goku asked. "Was it me? Cause I am the star of DBZ." Right after the words were out of his mouth, he chuckled. "Hey, that rhymed!" 

"Well, yes it did, but I must confess, you are not the reason why I came here," Annie Sue admitted. 

"Oh? Why then???" 

For over a minute, there was dead silence as both Goku and Vegeta looked at Annie Sue, waiting to see what she would say. Finally, she raised one delicate arm, and stretched out a long, beautifully sculpted finger, which ended in a one inch, all natural, perfectly manicured fingernail that was filed, buffed, and polished to a perfect curve. The finger never wavered, but pointed right to Vegeta. "Him. **_He_** is the reason why **_I_** am here." 

"Oh, well then, I guess I'm not needed here." Goku laughed, scratched his head, and walked away, leaving Stud Vegeta and Annie you-must-have-her Sue alone. 

They looked at each other for several seconds, not quite sure what they should do. As each moment ticked by, Vegeta realized his desire _(not to mention another part of his anatomy, hee-hee) _was growing. He waited patiently for Annie Sue to make the first move. After all, that's what women usually did when it came to him. 

Annie said nothing, just stood there. Obviously, she was used to men making the first move. A terrible dilemma for both of them. 

Finally, Vegeta realized who exactly was in charge in this situation. Annie Sue, of course. After all, he might have been The Prince Of All... _aw, you know how that goes by now, don't you? _ But she was Annie Sue, the woman of every man's dreams. And this was her fiction really, even though she didn't come into it until later. 

He walked over to her. "You know I want you." _(He's Vegeta; he doesn't have to come up with a good line!)_

She smiled, a beguiling, amusing, beautiful, smile that showed off her perfect white teeth. "Yes, of course you do," she whispered, her voice driving him mad with desire. "I want you too." _(Okay, she's the queen of passion, but opening lines are not her forte. Deal.) _

So, they wrapped their arms around each other and fell to the ground. Locked in the throes of passion, their clothes magically melted away. Time stood still while the earth spun out of control. They became one, they became part of the cosmos. Waves crashed on the shore, fireworks exploded into space. 

There was a lot of moaning taking place with an excessive spending of body fluids. Parts became engorged while others softened. They shouted their own names over and over again, because they were conceited as hell. They saw God. They saw Satan. They saw a man smoking a cigar. The word "yes" was heard a lot. 

Small, furry, woodland creatures came to knock on Goku's door to complain that they were trying to film a Disney Movie, but were unable to, because of the wild, passionate, sex taking place in his yard. There was an enormous earthquake as the world split in two, the well exploded, the dam burst, and fortunately for you, I've run out of metaphors. 

When it was over, and they were snuggling (Yes, Vegeta snuggles in this story. C'mon, he's with Annie Sue!) he realized for the first time in his entire life of being The Prince Of All Saiyins and The Sex God Of The Universe he was totally and utterly content. He didn't even want to fight anyone anymore. He had an overwhelming urge to instead volunteer his time with Amnesty International. "So," he asked, "How good was it?" 

"It-it was...wonderful!" Annie Sue turned to face him. 

His eyes widened in shock. He expected a look of utter contentment on her face, but instead, he saw tears. "What's your problem, woman?" he asked, because he's an affectionate cuss, ole' Vegeta is. 

"Oh, it was everything I thought it would be," Annie Sue exclaimed, as the tears fell down her face without smudging her make up even the tiniest little bit. "It was _perfect_. And that's such a _shame!"_

"Why?" he asked, suddenly having an inkling as to what Kakarot must go through every day, not understanding what people were saying. _Did this wild, passionate, perfect sex make me a big old doofus too? _

"Because now I have done it _all,_" Annie Sue sobbed. "I am related to most of the popular people in the fanfiction world. Every man I'm not related to I've slept with, or at least had them strongly desire me. I have saved the world, made the perfect biscuit, and invented the principle of warp drive. I have taught Professor Xavier how to use his mind, redecorated Subreality Café, and babysat for Sikudhani McCoy. If that wasn't enough to impress the hell out of you, I killed Freeza before Trunks ever did. I have won the World's Martial Arts tournament fifty thousand times in a row. I have cured the legacy virus and blown up the earth. Still, I have made it home every evening to the real world in time to make an _exquisite_ spinach soufflé for my real world husband and two children." 

Vegeta yawned. "Get to the point." 

"The point is that you're the last conquest. You are Vegeta, Prince Of All Saiyins and The Best Lay In The Entire Known Universe." Tears continued to pour, uninterrupted down Anne Sue's face, but _never_ did her eyes or nose turn all red and puff up. For that matter, her nose didn't run either. "You were the final prize. And I won." 

Vegeta had to think about that for a moment, but he realized he kinda liked that idea. _The final prize._ Yes, it did have a nice ring to it. "So, you won. Why do you cry? It gets on my nerves." 

"Oh, you have _such_ a way with words!" Annie Sue cried. "And alas, as much as I want to stay with you, forever, I can't. There are no new worlds to conquer, you were the last one. My time is done. I must leave this world...forever." 

The entire point of this conversation seemed to finally dawn on Vegeta and a brief look of horror crossed his face. "Are you saying-" he began 

"-that I must die," she ended. 

He began to shake. "No," he whispered, "no, _no, no!_" 

She moved away from him. He began groping for her blindly, but she managed to escape his grip. She stood up, looking at him. "Good bye, my love, the Prince Of All Saiyins and the total Studmuffin of Space. Remember me always, whenever you see the forest, the skies, or watch waves crashing on the shore. Remember me when you're feeling sad, or lonely, or when your wife asks you how you got the lipstick all over your strategically ripped shirt. Remember me when you see fire works, or a gushing oil well. Remember me when you're watching TV while drinking a beer with your hand down the front of your pants. Remember me when-" 

"No_oooooo!_" His voice was one long moan, although whether it was due to her impending death or her constant referencing was unsure. 

"I love you... _always_." 

Before he could stop her, she pulled out the unabridged Webster's Dictionary and beat herself to death, splattering blood and bits of brain everywhere. 

Still blinded by grief, Vegeta rose to his feet. _Let's think this through_, he thought to himself. _On the one hand, my wife burnt breakfast. But on the other hand, Kakarot's woman made me a better one. On the one hand, Kakarot beat the crap out of me. On the other hand, it did rip my clothes in a most revealing way. On the one hand, I got to have the most awesome sex ever; on the other hand, the woman who brought me to these unknown heights has killed herself. Which means that she'll never bother me again, never tell Bulma, and never pop up unexpectedly in my life again. Damn it, she **was** the perfect woman._

He smiled. It was a pretty good day after all. 

  


  


_You can all breathe easy cause it's..._

THE END

  
  


**Authors Notes: **

> See Darqstar write bad fanfiction. Write, Darqstar, write. 
> 
> All kidding aside, anyone who knows my writing from anywhere must be thinking I've totally lost it. And anyone who's reading my writing for the first time must be thinking I'm the worst writer in the world. 
> 
> Well, I've never claimed to be the best writer by far, but I _am_ a better writer than this story says I am. 
> 
> This is a silly fic and it was deliberately written to be bad, because.. well, for a lot of reasons, the biggest is because of a joke that started off line and spread to some of my online friends. The premise begins with a friend of mine, who thinks that _every single DBZ_ character is Vegeta. (I'm not kidding. She walks into her son's room, looks at all the wall hangings of Goku, Goten, Trunks, Vegeta, etc. and says, "How come Vegeta looks so _different_ in all of these!") Well, the joke started that she's secretly got the hots for Vegeta. And she can't write. So, more as a joke for some people, I wrote this story the way I thought _she_ would write it. 
> 
> Which explains some of the obvious "no-nos" everyone who has written fanfiction will pick up on. They are not signs that I've lost my mind, they are put there deliberately. 
> 
> So, before you write to tell me how badly this story is written, remember, it's supposed to be badly written. 
> 
> And, if I suceeded, it's supposed to be so badly written that you might actually find it funny. I'll leave it to you, gentle reader, to decide if I suceeded. 
> 
> _Warmest Wishes   
Darqstar_

   [1]: mailto:darqstar@usadatanet.net



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